


i myself am cruel and unusual

by dontgotothenetherworld



Category: Beetlejuice - Perfect/Brown & King
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:00:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24718663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontgotothenetherworld/pseuds/dontgotothenetherworld
Summary: the maitlands-deetz family tries to make sure lydia has a perfect birthday celebration. originally posted to my tumblr of the same username on feb. 29, 2020.
Relationships: Beetlejuice & Charles Deetz & Delia Deetz & Lydia Deetz & Adam Maitland & Barbara Maitland
Kudos: 10





	i myself am cruel and unusual

**Author's Note:**

> one day i thought up the line, “lyds what is it you say? ‘because i myself am cruel and unusual’?“ and this story really blossomed around that one idea. this was really fun to write, and i went a bit outside my usual writing style, so i hope y’all enjoy this!
> 
> beetleb*bes, don’t touch this.
> 
> 2271 words
> 
> cw: mention of murder

lydia lounged on the sofa, leafing through her novel, a gothic spanish mystery that she found behind a dusty stack at her local book store. it was quiet, with charles at work, barbara, delia, and adam out shopping, and beetlejuice attending to business in the netherworld, lydia had the house all to herself.  
lydia wasn’t used to the silence. it disturbed her. between the off-putting difference in her normal surroundings, and reading about people being conveniently murdered, lydia was on edge. her shoulders were tensed. every few sentences, she’d glance around, searching for something else out of the norm.  
she’d learned from the last time she was home alone. beetlejuice had said he was going to be out, but he hid. he played the long game, and after hours of blending into the background, he scared her, and he scared her good.   
rather proud, lydia had gloated that she couldn’t be scared, and the afternoon was a chip to her ego that she’d rather forget.  
lydia enjoyed reading, but often found it hard to focus, so she was cherishing this day. even though a little voice in the back of her mind telling her, “do your chemistry homework!”, she kept on.  
a low popping sound made its way to her ears. lydia looked up to see the familiar pin striped suit.  
”that was horrible. did you even try?” lydia closed her book, keeping her place with her index finger.  
”try what?” beetlejuice had a distant look in his eyes.  
”to scare me. duh.” lydia replied.  
”i wasn’t trying to scare ya, lyds. anyway, if i wanted to, i definitely could.” beetlejuice said quickly. “by the way, what’s that thing that you usually say?”  
”what thing?”  
”y’know, the whole, uh, “because i myself am cruel and unusual” thing.”  
lydia stared at him blankly. “this is a joke, right?”  
”no, is it or is it not what you say, come on lyds i need an answer quick.”  
”i say “because i, myself am strange and unusual.”” lydia said, her face in an expression of annoyance.  
”thanks lyds! you’re the best!” another pop, and beetlejuice was gone.  
lydia puzzled over why the ghost would need to know her catchphrase that she didn’t even say very often, before resolving in light giggles.  
”cruel and unusual…” lydia muttered to herself before returning to her book.  
now safely assured that beetlejuice wasn’t going to try to scare her, lydia sunk back into the cushions, and lost herself in the book. she kept reading, turning each page with vigor, desperate to see how the story ended. what did it all mean? how did all these little clues fit together?  
lydia wasn’t able to keep track of all the hints toward the mystery, so she was solely relying on the pages to figure it out for her.   
her eyes widened as-  
”lydia! we’re home!” delia called from the front door.  
lydia shushed her as her eyes skipped over the words.   
”we got c-” delia continued, confused, before lydia shushed her again. she had to read as fast as physically possible.  
lydia had to put her book down. she wasn’t yet finished, but she figured it out.  
”as i was saying, we got cookies from that cute new place next to the bank. spoiler alert, i already tried one, and they’re delicious!”  
lydia fake scoffed, “spoilers.” she said playfully.  
adam peaked out from behind a wall, “where you referencing..” lydia nodded. “yes!” adam pumped his fist in the air.  
delia asked, “what were you referencing?”  
”i doubt you know it.”  
”c’mon, tell me.”  
lydia sighed, “doctor who.”  
”who?”  
”doctor who. more specifically, river song.”  
”you’re just saying random words in a random order, you can’t do that just to confuse me! i’m onto you!” delia shouted as lydia, with book in hand, made her way up the stairs and to her room.  
”i’m not trying to confuse you, delia! it’s a real thing!” lydia shouted back, before closing her door. she propped her pillow up against her headboard, and slipped her soundproof headphones over her ears, searching for that same serenity she had while reading earlier.  
i didn’t quite work, she was still able to hear a bit of a commotion going on downstairs, but it was fine. she only had a few pages of resolution left anyway.  
five minutes later, lydia hopped back down the stairs and into the kitchen, with one side of her headphones off her ear. “so,” she started, “i was told we have cookies.”  
earlier and a week later to that day, lydia was practically buzzing. her birthday had been that previous wednesday, and she had only asked for one thing; to get her hair done.  
now, in the hair salon, accompanied by delia and a ghostly adam, it was about to happen. her hair was presently a little longer than shoulder length and an inky black, with her natural brown roots showing slightly. lydia explained to the hairdresser how she wanted it; a blonde bob.  
the trio was there nearly all day. which was a good thing, because charles, barbara, and beetlejuice were working away back home. lydia had claimed that she didn’t want a birthday party, but her family suspected it was because she didn’t want to have to invite any of her school friends. so, they were throwing a family-only party. a surprise party, decked out with as many black or purple decorations as they could buy, with quite a few handmade ones as well.  
beetlejuice and charles were in charge of all the decorations, so to say the overall effect was eclectic would be an understatement.  
barbara, who had recently discovered her passion for baking, was baking a cake. the batter was mostly chocolate, but there was a second, vanilla, batter throughout the cake, in an attempted spider web kind of look. it didn’t really translate until barbara explained it.  
beetlejuice kept crossing through the kitchen to sneak some plum colored icing.  
”have you put lipstick on?” asked charles to beetlejuice.  
”no, why? do you think i should?” said beetlejuice. when he opened his mouth, charles could see his purple stained teeth and tounge.  
deciding to ignore this, charles said, “oh, nevermind.” and went back to draping streamers, mentally calculating how long all of it would take to clean up.  
the group of party planners met lydia and her entourage on the steps in front of the house. they all commented flattery as lydia showed off her new look.  
”okay, now close your eyes.” said barbara.  
lydia was confused, but obliged. barbara held her hand, and guided her through the door and into the home.  
once safely inside, she dropped her hand, and ran to the kitchen. “don’t open your eyes yet!” she shouted as adam lit the last candle on top. barbara picked up the cake, and the couple walked back to the living room.  
”you can open them know.” said charles.  
lydia opened her eyes to see halloween in december. there were fake cobwebs and fake spiders everywhere. (at least lydia hoped they were fake. truth be told, the real things freaked her out a bit.)   
”thank you! thank you guy so much!” tears were fighting to break away from her eyes. lydia gave everyone a big hug, except for barbara, who was still holding the cake. when she turned to the ghost, everyone began singing happy birthday, and lydia finally started crying full on tears.  
she blew out the candles, all sixteen of them, in one breath.  
”okay so important question; cake or presents first?” asked beetlejuice, who not so secretly hope cake was first.  
”presents?” asked lydia, turning around. she finally spotted a small pile sitting where she normally resided on the sofa. “well, i have to get to those first.” lydia walked over to them.  
”i’m just going to put this down in the kitchen, i’ll be right back.” said barbara.  
when barbara returned, lydia gave her the hug that she owed her, before sitting down to inspect the presents.  
”which one should i open first…” there were four relatively small packages. charles’ gift to her being the trip to the salon, of course.  
”you should save the best for last, so not mine.” said beetlejuice.  
lydia chuckeld, and started on her gift from delia. a black crystal necklace.  
”you probably don’t want to know what it does, but i thought i would fit with your whole,” delia gestured with her hands. “vibe.”  
”you got it just right.” lydia grinned. “you’ll have to rip it from my cold, dead body in order to get me to stop wearing it.” she said, as she fastened it around her neck.  
delia tried to ignore the gruesome comment, but everyone could tell it bugged her.  
”i hope you like it!” adam said as lydia began to rip open the gift he had gotten her.   
she opened the cardboard box to find a lilac mug, with a ceramic cat at the bottom, and a seemingly infinite number of different teas.  
lydia held up the mug and exclaimed, “just like your dog one! now we can be tea buddies!”  
”only if you finally try my special earl grey.” adam pointed to a tea at the top of the pile.  
”it’ll be a struggle, but i’ll get through it for you.” lydia joked.  
moving on to barbara’s gift, and with beetlejuice getting a little impatient (maybe this whole “save the best for last” thing wasn’t really a good idea for this impatient demon), lydia got to the gift quickly. she held up the dark material. “a leather jacket!” lydia immediately went to put it on.  
”it’s faux leather, of course. and it’s kind of boring right now, i know that, so i fully expect you to do your whole punk-y diy thing to it.” said barbara.  
the jacket didn’t quite fit. it was a little large, but it didn’t entirely go over her hands. it was exactly how she wanted it. “thank you, so much, barbara! i couldn’t of picked it out better myself.”  
barbara smiled.  
”okay! best for last! open mine now, lyds!” beetlejuice shoved his, hand-wrapped, package into her hands. “read the card first!” he said as lydia inspected the questionable wrapping.  
she carefully opened the bright yellow envelope. inside was a piece of light gray construction paper, folded in half to make a card. on the front was a crayon drawing of herself and beetlejuice, high-fiving. the two had sunglasses on, and lydia was saying, “because i myself am cool and unusual.” in beetlejuice’s sloppy handwriting. inside, was a message that read, “love u lots lyds happy sweet 16 & i promise i wont try to marry you again xoxo beeblebouse”  
”beej, thank you s-”  
”you haven’t even opened your gift, c’mon, open it!” beetlejuice bounced his leg impatiently.  
lydia picked up the rectangular box and shook it a little. it felt like nothing was in there. lydia raised an eyebrow.  
”open it!”  
inside was a square piece of paper, with black words on it; “i owe u 1 kitty”  
”beej, what?”  
a pop and he had disappeared. the rest of the family looked around, confused.   
another pop, and beetlejuice returned, but this time with multiple kitties in hand.   
”i call this one sunshine, and this one bastard, and this one mary jane, and this one beans, and this one our supreme and almighty ruler.” beetlejuice pointed at the different cats. “but you can name the one you pick whatever you want, these are just ideas, anyway, pick one!”  
lydia was attacked by the little animals. one kitty, a white one with a black spot over its eye licked lydia’s hand. she picked it up. “this one.”  
”ah yes, beans. good choice.” beetlejuice said, although he murmured something about our supreme and almighty ruler underneath his breath.  
”you should, “charles cleared his throat, “probably take the rest of these back to where they came from.”  
”right! yes!” beetlejuice snapped and all the other kitties floated up. he went around plucking them out of the air until he had them all, and pop! went to return them.  
lydia hugged beans to her chest.   
”are you going to keep the name beans?” asked delia.  
”yeah, probably.  
”good boy, beans is.” said adam, placing his hand on lydia’s shoulder. and then after a moment, “beans is a boy, right?”  
”as far as i know, yeah. but i don’t think cats can really communicate to us what their gender is.” lydia looked up at her ghost dad.  
another pop and beetlejuice reappeared. “who’s up for some cake?” he lead the march to the kitchen.  
”okay, so, it’ll taste great, it just looks kinda off.” barbara said, getting a knife out to cut slices for everyone. “it’s supposed to have spiderwebs on the inside, not because i think spiderwebs are your favorite thing or anything, lydia, it’s because i thought it would be easy. i was wrong.”  
charles placed the plates on the table. “well, let’s dig in!”  
barbara cut lydia her piece first, which was practically a quarter of the entire thing. “what are you talking about? barbara, this looks so good!” she shoveled a bite into her mouth and her eyes went wide. “oh wow it tastes incredible too.”   
”thank you, lydia” barbara smiled.   
once the others had their pieces, beetlejuice took the rest of the cake. it wasn’t a completely unreasonably sized piece so nobody stopped him.  
they spent the rest of the night watching lydia’s favorite movies; an odd mix of horor, comedy, and disney.  
lydia went to sleep knowing that her sixteenth year was going to be a good one.

**Author's Note:**

> just by the way, the book lydia’s reading at the beginning is called marina by carlos ruiz zafon. i’m reading the english translation right now (hopefully the ending is good!) and it just feels like something that lydia would like.


End file.
